January 2012
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"Present."
Speaking of parties, despite being retired from the circus, I registered. I mean, if you want to retain all your Supercilious Merit Badges, you have to be registered.
And so, the oval that’s been #2ed in since 1996, is no longer. I know. And I KNOW.
Well friends, if you’re going to spend all your time trying to out-swagger, out-Carhartt, out-church, and out-pander to the crazies, I...
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Party System...
He: I think I'm going to run for office based on my success playing City of Wonder. A whole thriving metropolis, with services and a surplus, that I created.
Me: You'd probably win.
He: Will you play it with me?
Me: I'm sorry, I don't accept third-party apps.
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“It is somewhat trying to pass a season of enjoyment in the company of persons...”
– “I don’t want lessons, I want practice…a bad or indifferent teacher is worse than none.”
“I say fearlessly that the Michaelangelo is hideous and badly drawn. I wouldn’t give a tuppence for it, except as a curiosity.”
The Tale of Beatrix Potter*, Margaret...
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Groucho Manx...
I am a keen animal behavioralist. Born to a background of animal husbandry, it stands to reason that I would be able to crack the mystery: What. Is Wrong. With Cats?
The answer? It’s the Theory of Groucho. You want to make sure a cat will never touch, use, acknowledge the existence of something? Make sure it’s MEANT for them. “Look, a lovely fluffy cat bed right by the balcony...
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“All the photos of me being foolish and embarrassing myself are on glossy paper...”
– Winners Wear Yellow.
YES and. I maintain I was born at the precisely right moment in technology. I entered 1st grade the same year the library got its new Apple IIe. “Computer time” was spent waiting for the light by the disk drive to go off. “Don’t touch it while the light...
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Unjust Rule... →
“She’s going to be Queen AND she gets a puppy?!”
“I’ll tell you what — when you’re Queen, you can have a puppy too.”
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The Wheels on the Bike...
Oh see, you know how supposedly what goes around comes around? It’s like a bike wheel and a philsophy, both? It may be true.
On my bike commute in to work, there was pointing and laughing at the car stuck in traffic.
On the way home, there was a metal shard in my front tire and a wait for rescue from the same laughed at car.
Front tire says womp womp. I know what you’re saying....
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Year: Two
In unrelated events, I got my Army Glamour Shot* taken today and I realized it’s my second anniversary of signing up.
Two years ago.
It seems like forever in as much as how my life has changed (surely decades would be needed to house all of it?) and like it’s gone so quickly. Part of me wants to name this photo “Crazy Aunt Zoë Was In the Army Once,” just in case the...
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The Full Grisham...
Judging others is easy. The distance of perspective makes it instinctual. You can spot mistakes and missteps instantly by standing back, like looking at a crooked picture.
Turning that scrutiny on yourself is impossible. You can see the same deeds, but it’s somehow reflected back to you all backwards and funhouse. Is it good or not? Do I like it irrationality, or hate it unfairly?
...
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Measured Response...
He: So if the plastic ones are for dry ingredients and the glass ones are for liquid, what are the ceramic ones for?
Me: Decoration.
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“If you’re a pretender, come sit by my fire.”
– Shel Silverstein. Epigraph from Inkheart by Cornelia Funke.
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Nay...
I’m so retired from politics, that I don’t remember what the cause of the Santorum tittering is, and I can’t be bothered to Google.
Four years ago, I ate/slept/inhaled (Ooh! Clinton joke! I do have SOME scandale memoriam) politics. In 2008, I covered both conventions. In 2012, I have to be honest, I may not even vote. I KNOW. But I will be otherwise indisposed in November, and...
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Please Hang Up and Tri Again...
Right. So now that I’m signed up, I have to figure out how to get ready for this thing in 159 days. 22 weeks. NBD.
All of the literature says I should have done a couple of Olympic-length tris beforehand. Well…I mean I can do a couple of “SGT Stagg’s First Annual HowYouDoins,” but no. The first actual triathlon I compete in will be a Half IronMan.
I’m sure...
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“This is kind of my thing. I don’t get my hair done. I don’t go for designer...”
– Winners Wear Yellow: Race$ Co$t Money
And it’s not a terrible thing in the least. (She has an AWESOME racing year lined up and I can’t wait to follow it.)
I didn’t bulk buy admissions, but I did register for a big race — in Euro, which helps with the denial of how much it...
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December 2011
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2 [do] k12...
This holiday is a “waiting for the bus” holiday. You “revel” waiting for the moment, and then once it’s passed, you shrug and go to bed. But as a concept, it’s more than the stroke of midnight. It’s a good chapter break, a pause for taking stock, flicking through your the iPhoto of your life and seeing where you’ve been for a whole year.
2011, THE...
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“We used 4x4s for the legs. You know what those are.”
– I’ve painted myself into a corner now. I think my days as Recording Secretary of Carpentry Projects have come to an abrupt end.
Nuts (and bolts.) (And knowing the difference.)
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Plumb...
Some girls have tiny vacuums and little brooms so they can play just like Mommy. I did, I had a tiny sink that worked and the Fisher-Price stove — but I also had a row of tools hung in the barn, so I could play “just like Dad.”
I had doll clothes and a bucket of PVC pipe for building things. For mitre boxes and biscuit joiners and “A hack saw is only for metal,” I...
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The End...
I didn’t make it to 25.
Toni did, and I’m shamelessly copy-inspiring her wrap up, even though mine isn’t complete.
I stalled out at 17, which seems pitiful — I probably plowed 17 a month before the internet (and moving twice in a year and various other 2011-life-turnuppances) but there it is. A bar to beat in 2012. What I read this year:
Wish I Liked it More: The...
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Me-OW...
Cats are bad for your self-esteem.
Or these cats I live with are bad for MY self-esteem. On good days, I get 12 seconds of affection — roughly the same as an inattentive, emotional saboteur. On extremely good days, I’ll get enough to make me think they know I exist. Enough to make me pick out cute collars for them, green gingham and blue flowers.
Their neglect is pointed and unfair....
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I Feel No Need, No Need For Speed...
People who were wrong in this scenario: Maverick; David Foster Wallace; and me.
A supposedly fun thing I will never do again, is not flying nor cruising (unless metaphorically.) It’s skiing.
I get it. I just don’t GET it.
The part of my hypothesis that proved true was yes — spend your life built like a Scandinavian Shetland pony, you will be able to squat for days. Got it,...
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Drive-Thru Closed...
Since I got the sucker, I’ve been dreading my first bike wreck. I do not do extreme or speed or risk for the sake of, but I’ve contemplated throwing a spill, just to get it out of the way.
The other night, I’d cycled one way and was getting a ride back, bike on top of the car. When I’m not the driver you see, I abdicate all responsibilities. I do not remember where the car...