Obligation* in moderation†.– *Self-imposed. †Discipline and Structure, meet our new foreign-exchange student, Hell, Yes. She’ll be staying with us for a while. Plus the rest: Huh. Though I tried to be succinct, I bet if you cross-multiply the list o’ resolutions, you can reduce it down to: Do Good; Work Hard;...
Like Father, Like...
Happy Birthday to the person who made sure I knew my suplex from my arabesque; who taught me the appropriate tone to use when saying, “Submit?” one minute, while having tea parties lying half in and half out of my playhouse in the barn’s hayloft the next; who after the Great Abduction Scare of ‘97 said, “This is a .357. This is how you use it.”; and who, after...
No Means No...
He: But you could eat dairy and meat again if you had to, right?
Me: No. The idea of eating that stuff is like eating styrofoam or Vaseline or a bite out of my own arm. As far as I'm concerned, it's just NOT FOOD.
He: Yeah, but if you got hungry enough, maybe?
Me: Nope. I don't think even the people in the Donner Party ate themselves.
Do that which others say you cannot.– Number two on this year’s resolution list. After 17 years of searching through my archives, I finally found last year’s. They were all fitness-based. And lordy be, I went and did two of them! As for the other two, I didn’t actually do an official half this year, but I’d be...
[Shoe]Horns of a Dilemma...
So: Dooo it. They're new kicks. Take 'em out for a quickie.
Crazy: If you do that, your run tomorrow morning won't be *nearly* as spunky. AND then what will you have to look forward to?
So: It's so weird! I was just saying the other day how NOT FUN you are.
Crazy: Talk to the hammies, sister.
Hats, Nightmares, and Nostalgia...
Watching Saw or any of its spawn isn’t what I do if I want to freak myself out… but passing a wig store out walking at night, I’ll stop and stand and stare in the window, willing one of the heads to move, to come to life, to do something. Either that, or be a real human head camouflaged among the falsies. And then I imagine the opening theme of Law & Order: SVU. Hey now. An...
Jesus' Astrological Chart...
OW, God! Stop throwing lightning bolts at me. It stings. Sooo, it’s an approximation. With the Julian/Gregorian calendar switcheroo was Jesus really born on what we know of as August 21 — and what about the lovely pagan tie-ins with the Winter Solstice? Plus, Bethlehem, West Bank/Jordan ‘til 1967/Israel? OH. And you know. Happy Birthday baby Jesus kicked off the year...
Stop Being So CUTE. →
All Obama wants for Christmas are hugs from his kids. Okay, let’s sing it together: Fa-la-la-la-la-la-awwww-awww-aww!
Okay I Got Scared, But Dr. Poopy Made Me Giggle...
Ohhh right. I did say this stuff, didn’t I? generic1: Cause even an eclectic McCain vegan can’t want Eric Mar colluding with the Church of Latter-Day Saints, can she? I’m very delicate today, so I can’t be absolutely sure — but I’m leaning toward…yeah, actually? I might? Though I don’t know if it’s as much about “protecting San...
But My Towels Are Monogrammed Mrs. MIZ...
He: I'm watching the WWE Salute to the Troops and thinking about you.
Me: ME too. I'm Mrs. John Cena now.
He: He's a monster. Heck. *I* might even be Mrs. John Cena.
99 Problems and a Toy Store Ain't One...
On my Christmas shopping list today was a few goodies to donate to the Mission SRO Collaborative — Mission Mission got me with this post, and Christmas is really for the kids, after all. So, mission set, no pun intended, I set out to shop. And then, I realized. I am one of those adults. I am one of those child-free adults who can point you in the direction of 17 sushi joints and 112...
Okay, so not a “Tree” per se, but I bet a Denny’s would let you sit on its stump if you ODed on Grand Slams. This story of the drunkard paying $72 bucks for a taco at Taco Bell reminded me of the best feeling I’ve ever had in a Denny’s, even after just learning their Twitter handle is indeed, DennysGrandSlam — and no one was even housed in this story. Say...
Watch Out for Snipers on the Roof, Santa... →
SO CUTE. Obama says Santa will be using the fireplace in the Yellow Room. “Obama says the room was chosen as the place to leave milk, cookies and reindeer treats because of its central location in the residence.” Yes, but is Obama going out to the pasture to gather eight sheep turds and arrange them in formation so it looks like the reindeer were in the yard? Because that’s what...
High "Disgust"...or Standards?
You say tomahto Dan Quayle says potahto. Conservativeness, is apparently predictable based on “high disgust sensitivity.” Researchers think that if you’re easily squeamed by bodily functions, you’ll be less likely to be on board with homosexuality and shmeshmortion. Everything is icky, therefore I iz a conservative.* Oh, to the contrary. I hazard that conservative...
I’ve noticed that when I treat my body like an instrument instead of an...– Alanis Morissette in this month’s “I’m a Runner” back page of Runner’s World. There’s probably a You Oughta Know ref in there somewhere, but… I just like the thought.
You Are What You Read... →
I am, therefore, an illiterate altar boy in the Church of Klosterman.
Gift of the Magpie...
Me: Dear brother, if you have not bought my Christmas present yet, I know what I want AND have a discount code.
Bro: Santa has been a little busy, so a little idea help would be nice
Me: Sweet. I'm emailing you the link and discount code
Bro: Sounds good.
Bro: Is that a bra? If so Santa is not buying it
Me: It's a ring! Crazy.
Bro: It says bra size 6 on the email
Me: Brass. BRASS.
Bro: Oh yeah! I guess you're right.
The “times 3000!!!1!” must be implied, because HOLY UNDERSTATEMENT. A baby fell out of this weightlifter. She didn’t know she was pregnant. I’M “shocked” and I’m just reading about it.
Hey. It Could Have Been VeggieTales on VHS...
Me: I'm sorry Aunt Zoë's house is no fun. You really shouldn't have to watch The Mighty Ducks in Spanish on mute.
He: It really is an argument for what's wrong with America.
Me: That I have no cable, or that Emilio Estevez is disconcertingly sullen for being the coach of a kids' hockey team?
Be an even better person when nobody’s watching.– Doing awesome stuff that’s bigger’n you is the new self-promotion.
Twas bound to happen. I don’t know what took so long. After exactly three years and eight months of being vegan, I finally put something in my mouth that made me question both that decision and whether there’s a god of potables and if so, why she would allow this to exist: Unsweetened. Chocolate. Almond. Milk. It’s so bad even the words are giving me the phantom gags....
Oh, Canada! Thank you so much! I know Drudge thinks your “one-child for everyone” policy is so controversial but hmm. Let’s all put the siren away, because… DUH? Me a year ago, (I know, who the heck am I, but): “We’re the last generation who will get to consider the notion of reproducing a right…we’re looking at heading into some serious licensing...
My Rules Count When I Say They Count...
Boy, I want to play matchmaker in the worst way. I don’t run the same route two days in a row (variety is the spice of Columbo) but on the days I do Route B, I always see them. Two old guys, walking the loop, in opposite directions. Dressed the same, slacks and a windbreaker—yeah, Members Only—and baseball caps, same height, same age. One has a limp and a big dog that runs loose...
"For true peace is not just freedom from fear, but... →
The full text of Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize speech, in which he also used the word “exhortation.” It’s a lot to think about.
The veracity of an email forward is directly disproportionate to the number of...
Eve from the SFAppeal and Brock of SFist had me on SF Views today to talk Vegan tips and tricks for the Holidays. Whee! Cruelty-free stockings hung by the chimney with care! (My biggest tip? MORE SILK NOG.) Hmm. If the player’s being finicky, the whole shebang is here.