Perhaps I was the only nine-year-old on the planet who devoured Reader’s Digests like Uncle Miltie in a waiting room, but I did. And ever since I’ve wanted a piece in one of the ha-has columns — your “All in a Day’s Work” and now that I’m eligible, “HUMOR IN UNIFORM.”

Oh man, I wish someone would do something funny around here.

What does that day look like? Imma tell you, if only because it’s still fascinating to me that my life has become this and it’s Gratuitous Military Post Monday. Lo. The most recent 24 hours as me:

• 1700, yesterday: Sign back in from weekend pass.
• 1830: Recall formation, in PT uniform, outside the barracks.
• 1900: G.I. Party, that is to say, cleaning the barracks.
• 1930: Tried to get a little sleep before my fireguard shift.
• 2100: Heard Taps, which meant I was not asleep and that tomorrow is destined to be horrible.
• 2153: Somehow must have fallen asleep because I missed TWO different alarms and woke up in a panic, three minutes late to report downstairs. The shift before mine must not have been interested in being relieved because they didn’t make sure I was up.
• 2200: Counted heads. Realized I am bad at counting.
• 2210: Re-mopped the hallway.
• 2230: Homework, on duty.
• 0000: Properly relieved from my post, allowed to go to bed.
• 0400: Up. For PT.
• 0440: Formation.
• 0500: March to PT. Running 60/120 sprints.
• 0608: Released to chow, personal hygiene, and barracks chores.
• 0609: Early enough to chow to snag a soy milk, coffee, applesauce and nuts. Weirdly, no one’s making me a tofu scramble.
• 0615: Jog back to the barracks to beat the shower rush.
• 0630: Must be putting on makeup by the time the flag music goes off, or I’m late.
• 0650: Chores, get room ready for inspection.
• 0700: Stand by room waiting to be checked off—shoes lined up, bed tight, towel display straight…
• 0710: Formation in ACUs.
• 0720: Commute to school, no radio—cadence instead.
• 0755-1130: Class (currently radio, livin’ on the air in Cincinnati…)
• 1130-1230: Chow. Blog furiously during only open window of internet filling.
• 1230-1600: Class.
• 1600-1630: Commute home, same way we got to school. Sound off.
• 1630: Released from the duty day.
• 1700: Sweet, sweet running in civilian workout gear. Stop for the flag to go off again. Favorite part of the day. Chow of some description. Stay clear of the barracks until absolute last minute.
• 1945: Scoot in the door, upstairs.
• 2000: Homework and bed. The goal as always: be soundly enough asleep not to hear Taps and sleep through bed check.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Now then. I invite any hilarious hijinks, amusing misunderstandings, and general buffoonery in there. Come on people, anecdotes don’t create themselves.

Hey, did you hear about the one time I saluted a Sergeant INDOORS?

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